A prayer

Spirit, I long for your sweet presence, for you beauty and love.

I long to experience your touch as I have before.

Yet, I feel and sense nothing.

Through the deep longing that is not satisfied, I feel pain. Why, oh God, do you not answer my cry?

I have sensed your touch, your leading, and your guidance many times in my life, but struggle to sense those things now.

I am tempted to manipulate my emotions, to fabricate an experience. As I realize this, I recognize I have probably done this many times in the past.

I don’t want a fabrication, I don’t want a cheap experience, I want the real, authentic work and I am willing to wait for it.

Yes, I may be willing, but for how long? I hear nothing. I see nothing.

I have been more consistent than ever before. I have followed your leading and it has led me to this place. It’s not darkness, but loneliness. It’s not depression, but absence. It’s more subtle.

I am reminded of an old song, drawn from the following Psalm:

Psalm 42

As a deer longs for flowing streams,
    so my soul longs for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
    for the living God.
When shall I come and behold
    the face of God?
My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me continually,
    “Where is your God?”

These things I remember,
    as I pour out my soul:
how I went with the throng,
    and led them in procession to the house of God,
with glad shouts and songs of thanksgiving,
    a multitude keeping festival.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my help and my God.

My soul is cast down within me;
    therefore I remember you
from the land of Jordan and of Hermon,
    from Mount Mizar.
Deep calls to deep
    at the thunder of your cataracts;
all your waves and your billows
    have gone over me.
By day the Lord commands his steadfast love,
    and at night his song is with me,
    a prayer to the God of my life.

I say to God, my rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I walk about mournfully
    because the enemy oppresses me?”
10 As with a deadly wound in my body,
    my adversaries taunt me,
while they say to me continually,
    “Where is your God?”

11 Why are you cast down, O my soul,
    and why are you disquieted within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
    my help and my God.

Amen.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *