Tag Archives: Brene Brown

Knowing Self

The goal of the spiritual journey is the transformation of the self.[1]

I have wrestled with the idea of knowing self much the last several years – it often feels selfish. Yet, as Thomas Kempis once wrote, “A humble self-knowledge is a surer way to God than a search after deep learning.”

Let that sink it for a moment.

Often, we strive for more information, thinking that if we can just check off all the boxes or answer all the questions correctly then we are spiritually mature. This mentality has caused so many to strive to be seen by others as righteous, knowledgeable, and all together; yet it has caused many to lack in humility.

I cannot help but notice that when religious people focus on the external, they quickly become rigid, judgmental, and hypocritical – I must confess that I have seen this within myself more times that I would like to admit!

This struggle also seems to be the great struggle Jesus had with the religious leaders of the first century. In the gospel of Matthew, Jesus confronts this tendency by saying the following:

25 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you clean the outside of the cup and of the plate, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 26 You blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup,  so that the outside also may become clean.

27 Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which on the outside look beautiful, but inside they are full of the bones of the dead and of all kinds of filth. 28 So you also on the outside look righteous to others, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.”[2]

I think it is easy for us as humans to focus on other people’s junk – in fact it’s not only easy, it boosts our own ego and sense of self-righteousness. It is easier for me to see the places and areas where others should grow or change than it is for me to notice, see, and accept the areas where I have messed up or have room to grow; accepting the shadows within us is a necessary part of our transformation.

Genuinely transformational knowing of self always involves encountering and embracing previously unwelcomed parts of self.[3]

Once we begin to notice things within ourselves, the second and even more difficult step is to accept these things. This is painful for several reasons. First, I would rather ignore these dark places. Second, once I am willing to look at and notice these areas, I struggle with shame and unworthiness, in other words, I struggle to accept these parts of myself.

Brene Brown writes:

We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame. Or sometimes we shield ourselves by turning to judgment or by immediately going into fix-it mode.[4]

She continues to explore the relationship between self-acceptance and extending acceptance toward others:

The heart of compassion is really acceptance. The better we are at accepting ourselves and others, the more compassionate we become.[5]

 

Questions:

  1. Do you struggle to accept yourself?
  2. What parts of yourself do you struggle to accept? Why?
  3. Do you believe that God accepts all parts of you?

 

 

 

 

[1] David Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself, 14.

[2] Matthew 23:25-28

[3] David Benner, The Gift of Being Yourself, 52.

[4] Brene, Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, 16.

[5] Brene, Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, 17.

The power of shame

I believe all people have a strong need to experience love and belonging, but there is a powerful, and yet often unnamed, force that keeps most of us from experiencing this – shame.

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I have struggled with shame my entire life, but until recently I had no idea, that is until I read Brene Brown’s book The Gifts of Imperfection. What a life transforming book!

I knew I struggled with perfectionism and I knew that it held me back from taking steps forward. I would often feel I was not good enough, capable enough, or smart enough and there was always people I could think of who would do it better than I could. What I did not connect was that perfectionism leads to shame because I am never good enough, which leaves us feeling unworthy.

Can you see the struggle here?

If I could just lose 25 lbs…

If I could just stop drinking…

If I could just keep myself from loosing my temper…

If I could just eat healthier…

If I could just be more compassionate….

If I could just have get an A….

If I could just get a promotion…

If I could could just be as good as….

What I have found is that many struggle with these loops that replay over and over again. In essence, we believe that we are not worthy.

Brene Brown writes, “If we want to fully experience love and belonging, we must believe that we are worthy of love and belonging.”[1]

If I feel an innate need to experience love and belonging, yet feel unworthy of love and belonging due to my focus on perfectionism that leads to shame, then I will be left feeling alone and will continue to spiral down.

Here are four steps that I think we can take to lead us on the path toward freedom from shame.

  1. Surrender our drive for perfectionism.

None of us are or ever will be perfect. We will all make mistakes from time to time and that is actually part of the learning and growth process. The only way we don’t make a mistake is if we never step out and try. Perfectionism paralyzes us and keeps us from taking steps forward. So instead, we should name and own our mistakes. As we do, I think we will find that people appreciate that and are actually drawn to us because they feel they can be imperfect as well.

  1. Separate shame from guilt.
  • Shame tells us we are bad
  • Guilt tells us we did something bad

We can learn from guilt, but we cannot learn from shame. Shame will hinder our lives because what we will hear over and over again is that we are bad, defected, messed up, or broken. Brene Brown defines shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.[2] Shame needs secrecy and silence to grow and once we name shame and then confess our shame, it’s power over us begins to loosen.

  1. Practice authenticity.

Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.[3]

This is a practice, meaning it takes time and the more we practice it the better we become. In order to begin the journey toward freedom from shame, we must journey inward – toward what some have called our True Self. Only after we know our True Self and are able to accept who we are, will we be able to stop the comparing game. I cannot tell you how many times I have compared myself to others, only to walk away feeling shameful because I always found areas of myself where I was not as good as someone else.

  1. Surround ourselves with people who encourage us.

If this is a struggle, it won’t go away over night – it’s a process. Shame is a powerful hindrance to us experiencing well being and contentment in life. Becoming aware of the power of shame in my life is half the battle, but surrounding myself with people who will see who I am an encourage me is essential. The more I experience their love, acceptance, and support, the less shame can hold me and the more freedom I experience.

Once shame is named, exposed, and then these steps are taken, we can walk into the freedom to be who we are and to believe the truth about ourselves – that each of us is worthy!

 

[1] Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection, p. 23.

[2] Ibid, 39.

[3] Ibid., 50.